A Tale of Four Farmers

A Tale of Four Farmers

Farmer Fred met Farmer Ned beside the bed of Farmer Ted.

Said Fred to Ned but not to Ted, “Now, where on earth is Farmer Jed?”

Ned said to Fred, who glanced at Ted, “I do hear tell he’s gettin’ wed.”

“He’s getting wed?” said Fred to Ned. “Now, who on earth would marry Jed?”

“I do hear tell,” said Ned to Fred, “it be that girl of Farmer Ted.”

“That girl,” said Fred, “with hair bright red, with feet of lead and heavy tread?”

“That’s roight,” said Ted upon his bed, “my little girl with hair so red.”

“Oh Ted,” said Ned. “Oh Ted,” said Fred. “Are you not filled with

desperate dread?”

“With desperate dread, I am,” said Ted. “’Tis why I’ve taken to my bed.

“I’ve ate no bread. I have not fed. I’d sooner wish that she were dead.”

“Oh, Ted,” said Fred. “Oh, Ted,” said Ned.

“Get up.” “I can’t. My wits are fled.”

Then Fred and Ned took hold of Ted and lifted him from off his bed.

And to the church with him they sped, despite the fact his feet had bled.

And then, before the vows were read, they pulled the veil right off her head.

She should not marry Farmer Jed. She might have married Farmer Fred.

Or even Ned. Or even Ned. She could have married Farmer Ned.

She couldn’t marry Farmer Ted. She shouldn’t marry Farmer Jed.

She wouldn’t marry Farmer Ned. She didn’t marry Farmer Fred.

Instead, she married Ploughman Bert. The one with gravy on his shirt.

A.R. Garner (Gwladys Street 18th January 2011)